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You have control, don't let me down...
Mar. 18th, 2004 07:48 pmWhat can I say...it was an interesting night...
We don't feel quite right. Not bad, just not entirely normal. Then again, who can truly claim that they ever feel normal, these days.
Yet something is still skewif. Not sitting correctly.
Out of synch with everything else...just...so...
And we have threshold.
The human mind's a beautiful thing, sure. But...
Is it as beautiful as a naked razorblade, lying on the desk, glistening,
warmly, cruelly, sweetly, coldly, in the odd mixture of - light and dark, new and old, past and future -
the blue flickering of a computer screen mingling with the gold glow of a candle flame?
And through it all I see your face
In the end, that's all it comes down to. Three words. When he walks out, I'm angry, furious, hurt. And I'm sitting there - thinking of all the things I could do to make him see how much he means to me, how much I sacrifice for him everyday - when the doors opens (just a tad), he sticks his head through, and, with those three words, flung into the room on the wings of a whisper, changes everything again.
One doesn't quite feel as if one's feet are touching the ground, and one thinks one will be strong. Yes. One is sure of it, positive. Yep. Nothing will make one back down, not this time. Never again will one let oneself be forced to bow, to surrender, to cower, scared...
Until he invokes the power of those three words.
And once again one can feel the force of ones convictions bleed out of one, draining into the soft, rich earth…
He took the power of those words from me unwillingly, as he did everything.
Now...know that the power they wield over me is only as strong as it is because I give it to you freely.
I give you the power, the pleasure, the responsibility.
The reins are yours.
You have control?
You have control.
Suddenly, I understand. For me, giving isn't hard. I would give all I could to anyone in need, and still feel useless. It's the receiving that scares me, scars me, leaves me feeling weak...so I shan't say "I'd give anything for you."
instead..."I'd take anything for you."
And it fits. It fits me...you...us...so much more.
And I know that in full sobriety, that is going to sound so DODGY…
I have closure.
We don't feel quite right. Not bad, just not entirely normal. Then again, who can truly claim that they ever feel normal, these days.
Yet something is still skewif. Not sitting correctly.
Out of synch with everything else...just...so...
And we have threshold.
The human mind's a beautiful thing, sure. But...
Is it as beautiful as a naked razorblade, lying on the desk, glistening,
warmly, cruelly, sweetly, coldly, in the odd mixture of - light and dark, new and old, past and future -
the blue flickering of a computer screen mingling with the gold glow of a candle flame?
And through it all I see your face
In the end, that's all it comes down to. Three words. When he walks out, I'm angry, furious, hurt. And I'm sitting there - thinking of all the things I could do to make him see how much he means to me, how much I sacrifice for him everyday - when the doors opens (just a tad), he sticks his head through, and, with those three words, flung into the room on the wings of a whisper, changes everything again.
One doesn't quite feel as if one's feet are touching the ground, and one thinks one will be strong. Yes. One is sure of it, positive. Yep. Nothing will make one back down, not this time. Never again will one let oneself be forced to bow, to surrender, to cower, scared...
Until he invokes the power of those three words.
And once again one can feel the force of ones convictions bleed out of one, draining into the soft, rich earth…
He took the power of those words from me unwillingly, as he did everything.
Now...know that the power they wield over me is only as strong as it is because I give it to you freely.
I give you the power, the pleasure, the responsibility.
The reins are yours.
You have control?
You have control.
Suddenly, I understand. For me, giving isn't hard. I would give all I could to anyone in need, and still feel useless. It's the receiving that scares me, scars me, leaves me feeling weak...so I shan't say "I'd give anything for you."
instead..."I'd take anything for you."
And it fits. It fits me...you...us...so much more.
And I know that in full sobriety, that is going to sound so DODGY…
I have closure.
